I imagined I would be one of those women who finds amazing little pieces at garage sales. Who strips them, then finishes them in her backyard. And creates amazing little bits for her home. All for less than $20!

We got up early today and hit some garage sales. On the list: a bookshelf (yes, I’m an addict!), and a small table for the entryway. (I imagine it will be painted a bright and beautiful teal. By me.) We found barstools for $5 each. But I couldn’t bring myself to buy them. I’m hoping it’s because they weren’t the right ones. Not because I’m too lazy to fix them up and will end up paying 10x that amount.

::sigh::

But then we came home and I cooked breakfast. Like, eggs AND bacon. And that’s a bit of an accomplishment.

Baby steps?

Dear You,

I don’t even miss you. I realized that this afternoon. Curious, though, I looked you up. And found that you had taken very passive-aggressive steps to respect my wishes. I hope that makes you feel better.

-Me

***

Dear You,

Thank you for trusting me on this. I’m so proud of you. And I believe, with EVERY fiber of my being, that it will all be even better than okay!

Love you,
Me

***

Dear You,

Thank you for trusting your instincts on this. I’m realizing that you ARE right. And, on this night, I’m letting that certainty simmer. I seriously love and appreciate you.

Xoxo (!!!),
Me

***

Dear You,

Thank you for encouraging the Kidlet. That was a very cool thing you did for him.

Thank you for including me in your adventures. I cannot wait to see the finished product! ;)

L&SoMuchL,
Me

***

Dear You,

I’ll be happy if he’s happy. But please don’t ever forget that he’s a package deal. I do love you. For him (usually!), and for who you have become to me, and also to my son. I feel like you are finally realizing this. Please don’t screw it up.

And, please. Be patient with me through this process. I am not unaffected by the changes to everything I’ve counted on for my ENTIRE LIFE. I will adjust, but it will be a process. Please help him to understand that as well.

Kthxgoodbyefornow,
Me

***

Dear You,

I’m proud of you for seeing what you saw. Hold onto that. I really appreciate the peek you gave me into your realizations about that. I shall seek that balance between what you’re ready to accept and what must simmer.

I shall trust that you always know I’m here for you. And I shall trust that you’re still there for me.

Thank you for allowing me to see the shift in you. I don’t yet trust that it will stick. But I will try to remember that you said it very differently this morning.

And I’ll try to stop fighting Alice on this. —- that one stuck in my craw, but there it is.

Heart, heart, heart,
Me

***

Dear You,

It’s your fault, really. What were you thinking, as you and your pal in your eye masks decided to venture across that street in the dark?

You didn’t even glance my way as my headlights cut across your path.

I hope that means you didn’t have a chance to feel a thing as you slipped beneath the wheel of my vehicle.

Because you made a couple of sickening thuds that I can still hear and feel. I hope you took both hits and your friend made it through. Otherwise, you dragged him along in some kind of suicide pact, you little rodent.

And it’s all over now.

RIP, raccoon(s).

-Me

One: “is he just high all the time?”

That has to be it. Because there’s just no other rational explanation for this nonsense.

Two: “aren’t you over him yet?”

What a strange way to put it. My dad says there’s some commercial out these days that asks a similar question. So that must be why he said it that way.

But, no. I’m not. And I probably never will be. That’s not to say that I won’t move on. That I won’t be happy.

I *will* move on. And I *will* be happy.

And whether or not I am over him will not take anything away from my future relationships. Rather, what I feel will enhance my future relationships. Because I would never have been able to move forward if it had not been for the profound effect he had on my world.

That said, I’m NOT over him. Nor is he over me, I suppose. But I am embracing his absence and I am okay. And I will continue to BE okay. Even with the occasional breakdown.

And especially on this significant weekend.

Deal with it.

*I* have to.

Dear You,

Yesterday’s meltdown seems an age ago.

While I’m glad to know you remember, I wish you’d realize that you don’t have to actually tell me that. I already know. Perhaps things could have been different. No, not perhaps. If you’d really wanted it to be different, it would have been. But you didn’t, and you don’t, so it isn’t. And that’s all there is. I’d like to think you weren’t trying to hurt me yesterday. But you did. From 6000 miles away.

I know that as you begin your journey back, you’ll think of me along the way. Please don’t tell me. Something is happening here that’s a game-changer. But I’m not ready for that conversation. So let’s just make tomorrow a new Day One and see if we can make it stick.

Love,
Me

Dear You,

You touch my heart when you ask to see me. Please know that I truly mean it when I say I want you to be comfortable in my home. I was absolutely thrilled to have you here. Thank you for sharing time and space with me today. I totally love you. (and I hope you know that when I tell you to shut up it’s because I am truly comfortable and happy at you!!)

Love,
Me

It’s a Day Two of sorts, I suppose.

Exhaustion brings every feeling closer to the surface. Elation and sadness vie for a front row seat in this show of my life.

Processing. The good, the bad, the hilarious.

On the day I found out that I do, indeed, have the job I’d decided was right for me, I thought nothing could bring me down. And then I was blindsided by a seemingly innocuous bit of knowledge for which I was pathetically unprepared.

I had taken steps to protect my heart on a different day. And it turns out that I had chosen the wrong day. I was off by a week. Ish.

But that meltdown turned out to be cathartic. And it made me see someone else for what they really are. And I can now ensure that they get no closer.

These last two days have truly been a new beginning. Not just settling into the new place, but settling into my own skin. Remembering the person I became on that life-altering trip over the new year. I really hadn’t veered TOO far off of my path. I just saw something shiny and it captured my attentions for a few moments again.

But I think about the woman about whom Cassie wrote. And between her words and the words of a few trusted others… I think I might be ready to embrace the person that is, apparently, so real to others.

But being that woman will take vigilance. I cannot allow myself to be caught up with those for whom my emotional well-being is unimportant.

So, I shall listen to the crickets. And listen to my wind chimes. And I shall immerse myself in Gratitude. I shall rest. And when I awaken, I’ll be ready to take on whatever comes next.

Light and Love… For all who have brought me to this place.

myeulogy:

Be Awesome Today!

animalstalkinginallcaps:

YOU EVER LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND THINK ‘HOLY SHIT. WHO IS THAT TOTAL SEX BOMB WITH THE KILLER SMILE AND THE BANGIN’ BODY?’

EVERY TIME, MY FRIEND. EVERY TIME.

YOU EVER ATTRIBUTE THAT TO CONSTANTLY BEING DRUNK?

ABSOLUTELY. MY SELF-CONFIDENCE IS THROUGH THE ROOF EVER SINCE I STARTED HITTING THE HOOCH AT BREAKFAST.

Posted for my LNs. They know why. ;)

CASSIE. Today’s Target loveliness!!!